I am stepping in for Virginia Rohan this week, spending Sunday night with the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” and recapping the drama so you can spend the last moments of your weekend doing something else. I am a sorry stand-in for Virginia, so, be patient, as I do my best to capture the spirit and moment-by-moment antics of everyone’s favorite NJ residents.
The evening began with Melissa Gorga practicing for her coming Beatstock performance.
“I’m like rusty today or something,” she said to an increasingly annoyed choreographer Chris Judd.
Gorga tells the camera that this is her big chance.
“I know I’m not the best singer in the world, but I really think it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there. … I cannot (bleep) this up,” she said
Meanwhile Theresa’s daughter Gia is in final rehearsals to be a background dancer for the same Beatstock festival.
When asked where she got her dance skills, Gia says, “My aunt,” before being corrected by Teresa and finally crediting her mom with her dancing genes.
“You got that,” Teresa responded.
It’s nice when it’s all about the kids. (Scientifically speaking, it would have been difficult for her to get her talent from Melissa, of course, but it was the only nice thing the little dancer said about her aunt-by-marriage all episode – even if it was just a dig at her mom – so we won’t get technical.)
We cut now to Kathy Wakile, who is bringing her pastries to Gelotti Ice Cream in hopes of having a tasting there in the future.
“I’m a neighborhood girl,” she says as she drives into Paterson.
“You got the wheel locks on?” husband Rich says before promising to be quiet and stay out of it. Quickly we wish he would. We won’t repeat his joke when Sal Sigona, owner of Gelotti Ice Cream says the ice cream has to go into “the hardening box” and we will spare you his commentary when Kathy cuts him off after he, of course, starts to take over even after he said he wouldn’t.
“Never send a man to do a woman’s job,” Kathy tells the camera.
She gives Sal some pastries to taste then asks if he’d be open to her bringing some to the store one day for a tasting.
Sal is into it and everything is positive until the camera cuts to Rich, who condescendingly talks about how he’d like this prospective business to be “her baby” but…and it’s the kind of ‘but’ that comes with a good shot at someone else, “I don’t want it to get into one of those Joe Giudice business plans.”
We leave the Wakiles to watch Caroline and Albert Manzo get a look at the blk booth for the Fancy Food Show in D.C. blk, the beverage business of sons Albie and Chris’ and Chris Laurita, has a great booth that Albert notes will be nicer than most of the rest at the show.
Then it’s time to see what Albert will have as he’s there with his Brownstone Sauce.
“My dad doesn’t have a booth,” Chris Manzo giddily tells the camera. “He has a couple of signs and that’s it. My whole life it was “What does dad do? What’s dad doing? Wow can we be as good at it?’ Now the tables kind of turned. He’s looking at us saying, ‘One day my booth will be as big as my kids.’ And that’s hilarious to me.”
Albert doesn’t seem to see the humor.
Speaking of not seeing the humor, Caroline doesn’t enjoy Albert’s explanation as to why her picture is going to be on the sauce label. He used the words “old mom” then notes that if the pictures don’t look good, they just won’t use them.
The sons don’t see the genius in the marketing plan.
“Mom’s very irritable,” Albie says to the camera. “And I just don’t know how they’re going to sell sauce with a woman with no hair and makeup done and jeans and cowboy boots, but hey…”
Nothing like supportive children.
Back to the Gorga’s we go, where Melissa’s red bathing suit is a big hit with Joe, who says all sorts of charming things in front of their kids.
And now some marital advice from Melissa.
“The key to a successful marriage is to have sex every single day,” she says. “But Beatstock is this weekend and I’m so over Joe whipping out Tarzan. Half of the world knows what Tarzan looks like”
Thankfully, we leave the pool – but not without an unfortunate shot of Joe’s lap.
We are now inside a van with the boys of blk en route to the nation’s capital. Is it possible we’d rather be poolside with the Gorgas? Flatulence, apparently, is always funny.
Here’s a fun car game, “[bleep], marry or kill.” A few names are given and the boys have to choose the option for each.
Then they actually talk a little business, going over the game plan for the Fancy Food Show.
There is a lot riding on these few days and everyone seems to be feeling the stress.
They stop for food and there’s a disgusting burger eating challenge with Greg and Chris taking on the “shame burger”
“No puking in the van,” an increasingly aggravated Chris Laurita tells them.
Always a good rule.
And it’s back to the world of Beatstock and the Gorga’s house, where Melissa is complaining of her aching feet and Joe is ever so romantic with “Real quick, babe, real quick.”
Antonia comes running through the door at a most inopportune moment — however, a thankfully early one.
“Knock, knock, who’s there?” Joe says to the camera, before finishing a joke we won’t finish here. He tells Antonia he and Melissa were wrestling then says, “How embarrassing.”
So many things, yes.
Antonia is scared and refuses to make tonight the night she sleeps in her own bed. (Thank you, Antonia.)
The blk van pulls into D.C. and ever the killjoy, Chris Laurita gives the boys a speech about not drinking too much right before they start ordering shots and grilling Albie on his new girlfriend Lindsey.
The thing Chris Laurita forgot to say? “No puking at the bar.” ooops.
And now the Giudices are getting ready for Beatstock.
Teresa tells Milania to go get her dad in their room and Milania responds, “Daddy’s sleeping in his own room.”
Cut to Jacqueline talking about how there are rumors that the marriage is in trouble and that they live separate lives, but act like they are together in public, then it’s back to the kitchen while Teresa gets ready for her…er, Gia’s… big day.
“Gia’s gonna dance at Beatstock,” Teresa says to Milania, who offers her sisterly support with a bratty, “I do not care.”
Gia then yells at her to “Shut your mouth.”
Then the girls find a common enemy – Aunt Melissa, talking about how she’s probably going to lip sync and is “chicken.”
Oh wherever do they get it?
“From listening to the CD, it sounds like Melissa could sing,” Teresa says to the camera. “But I want to hear her sing, like a capp – like solo, like without any, I’d love to just hear her sing.”
In the limo on the way to the festival, Gabriella says she doesn’t care about Gia’s upcoming performance.
And then the children team up again to be mean about Aunt Melissa. Gia does a lovely impersonation of Melissa’s singing and Milania cuts to the chase, “Melissa stinks.”
Teresa tells the camera that she is trying to be nice to Melissa now and she wants her children to be close to her, but when Joe Giudice laughs after Milania’s assessment, that hardly seems likely.
Beatstock is Melissa and Joe’s anniversary and while Joe tries again to get his wife to have sex with him, she is busy reading her supportive texts. There is toe-sucking, one of those burned into the retina, I can never unsee that, kind of scenes.
Back in D.C., the blk boys are stocking the show and hurting a bit from the shots the night before and Chris Laurita continues to be the voice of reason, begging everyone to take things seriously.
When the show starts, Greg comes running over very excited about another vendor – Patti LaBelle. He wants to take “Miss Patti” some water and the two are fast friends talking about food and shoes and singing.
(She takes a sip of the water and says she likes it, if that matters to anyone.)
The boys then start working the booth nicely, and Chris Laurita seems less nervous. They all visit Brownstone Sauce and then later meet for dinner where Lindsey is the main topic of conversation. She might not be so happy to hear Albie tell the world that if he had to make a choice, he’d choose family and the business.
At the festival, the Gorgas and the Giudices meet up and things seem tense but Melissa says she and Teresa are “100 percent better.”
Melissa looks like she might throw up as she’s headed out to sing.
Gia takes the stage and Joe Gorga pronounces himself a proud uncle.
“I love that butt,” Teresa tells Melissa pointing to her daughter from backstage as Gia performs.
Melissa still looks a bit sick. She takes the stage and her sisters can be seen crying in the audience.
Joe Gorga is now a very proud husband, but he must connect her stage performance with their life in the bedroom. Enough, already.
Teresa surprisingly offers a compliment, “I never knew Melissa was a good dancer,” she says and notes she is happy to support her.
Everyone seems to think the show was a success but when Teresa goes to congratulate Melissa, she is too busy watching video of herself to even notice Teresa is there.
“I’m allowed to own it and be a diva and tell everyone to look at me,” Melissa says in defense of her self-absorbed behavior after the show.
Now everyone is looking forward to the big RV trip to Napa and Teresa and Melissa make awkward conversation about winding roads and wine drinking.
Or maybe everyone’s not so excited about it.
Says Teresa, “Do I really want to go away with Caroline? No. Do I really want to go away with Jacqueline? No. But this trip is not about Jacqueline and Caroline. This trip is about going away with my brother, Melissa and Joe and I and having the fun times we used to have”
Jacqueline says she’d like to be friends with Teresa again but doesn’t see that happening. Caroline says she wishes she could go back and not invite them. Melissa tells Teresa that maybe there is a chance that friendships can be rekindled.
And Chris Laurita, once again, wants to take charge.
“If the women start fighting, the men usually stick up for their women and that’s when the men get involved and that’s when it becomes a big s—storm,” he says, while talking about his plan for a big powwow with the rest of the boys to get everyone on the same page to “keep the women in check.”
Good luck to you, Chris. And good luck to Virginia recapping that road trip.
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On Watch What Happens Live after the show, Kathy plays down scenes from next week’s episode where there is apparent tension between her and Teresa at Teresa’s booksigning.
When a caller asks Kathy about Teresa’s kids making fun of Melissa, she says that “Children are innocent” and they repeat what they hear so you have to be careful what you say around them.
Later someone asks Kathy if she had a nose job.
“Yes I did,” she says, accepting compliments and noting the between seasons surgery was December 30.
That was about it for the after show.
Really, it’s all just filling time before that RV hits the road.