The cover of In Touch magazine screamed, “I’m Terrified of Being Poor.” In the photo, Teresa Giudice was posing with one of her daughters and a puppy (even though she’s supposedly also terrified of dogs.) And inside,Teresa said her friends were bullying her.
So, guess what everybody was talking about in this week’s episode?
Suddenly, everybody just happened to have happened upon it. (Remember how the book about Danielle Staub just mysteriously appeared?) Chris Laurita had it in his and Jacqueline’s Chicago hotel room. Greg Bennett, still in his bathrobe, stumbled upon it at the hotel’s gift shop (where he went to buy toothpaste, because he couldn’t stand the brand that Caroline Manzo brought). And back at the Jersey Shore, the Gorgas also had a copy of it. Joe Gorga just came upon it at the barber. Imagine that. And so, they and the Wakiles could dish about it on camera.
So, what did we learn about this cover story?
Caroline: “She claims that we’re bullying her about her financial situation. How insulting.”
Jacqueline: “Teresa does tell me she gets paid for these articles.”
Ostensibly, the episode was about two things: the wedding of Caroline’s brother, Jaime, and his partner Rich in Chicago, and the pool party that Melissa and Joe Gorga throw at their “redone” Shore house.
In the Windy City, Joe Giudice seemed like he was trying to atone for the homophobic jokes he made in last week’s episode. “The one thing about gay people — they keep things very, very nice,” he says to his wife.
When it comes to the Teresa “story line,” this episode was a case of way too much information. In their hotel room, we definitely did not need to witness her and Juicy’s discussion about the K-Y Touch that was so clearly on the bed stand. Was this product placement?
Later, en route to the wedding on their special bus, Juicy says, “Trey, your tits are hanging out.” Then, he jokingly calls her “putana,” or whore. Nice to see Joe Giudice bringing some Jersey class to Chicago.
On that same bus ride, Chris Laurita just happened to get a text and announced that his new marketing firm has landed Levendi wines as a client, so “we’re gonna have to make a trip to Napa.” (Yes, we’ll see that trip in a future episode.)
During their ride, Teresa tries to make nice with Caroline, who is working on a speech for her brother’s wedding. “Caroline, that hat looks so great on you,” Teresa says, referring to what looks like a lily pad that’s been plunked on Caroline’s head. Mrs. Manzo doesn’t even acknowledge the compliment, but later tells the camera what she wanted to say: “You and your hat shut up.”
Mainly, this was an episode of memorable quotes:
Caroline: “My room-service bill is going to be $5,000.”
Caroline of Teresa: “She hits and runs when there’s an audience and she makes herself look like a victim and before you have a chance to speak and tell your side of the story, she’s gone.”
Teresa to Lauren Manzo: “You remind me of the princess. What’s her name? Kate Hudson.”
Jacqueline of Teresa: “I feel like Teresa is losing her sense of reality and realness that I used to respect. Her life is being manufactured into this fantasy that doesn’t exist.”
Joe Giudice, spying a swan: ”Oh, a pelican.”
Teresa of Jaime and Rich’s wedding: “This is the ultimate gay extravaganza.”
Teresa, to all: “I just got a text. My book’s on the New York Times Bestseller [List]”
Caroline, to the camera: “I don’t want to hear about the cookbook.”
Caroline on herself: “Caroline Manzo dances. Very rarely. But she dances.” (The woman puts on a fascinator and suddenly starts talking about herself in the third person.)
Joe Giudice: “This is actually one of the best weddings I’ve been to.”
Jaime Laurita: “Thanks for coming to Chicago, all the way from New Joisey.”
Back at the Joisey Shore, the others didn’t get as much air time, because, well, Chicago had the show’s star attraction — Teresa.
But the Gorgas do throw a pool party, of course, making sure to warn neighbors Miles and Mira that they’re gonna be a little loud. How happy do Miles and Mira look to have the Gorgas as neighbors, by the way?
Kathy Wakile, arriving in a bathing suit and short cover up, asks, “Is my ass sticking out?” Nobody answers, but the answer is YES.
Besides a discussion of the In Touch article, Joe Gorga, shirtless again, of course, plays his wife’s latest release, “Rock Stars” (“I’m extremely proud of my wife”). They have a whipped cream fight and try to push people in the pool, sort of like “The Three Stooges” meets the Kennedy clan.
“Joe and I have always been the party people,” Melissa had just told the camera. “We like to keep it classy but sexy.”
As if on cue, Rich Wakile pulls Joe away for a private talk.
“I’m glad you’ve taken my advice [and decided to] go to a therapist,” says Rich, who’s very good at advancing the plot (and picking at old wounds).
Joe tells Rich that he asked his sister to come with him, but he hasn’t heard back from her. So, text her again, Rich says.
Joe does text his sister — which ensures that they’ll be discussing this story line in Chicago, too.
“I know 110 percent I don’t need therapy,” Teresa tells Jacqueline, who diplomatically tries, repeatedly, to suggest otherwise.
“He’s holding grudges,” Teresa says of her brother. “I don’t have any grudges…He should go with his wife.” She later adds, “We don’t believe in therapy. We need to work this out within the family.”
Eventually, she gives what looks like the real reason: Joe Giudice does not want her to go to therapy.
Why is it that the people who are most in need of therapy think it’s not for people like them?
Wise up, Teresa. If you’re terrified of being poor, maybe you shouldn’t go to In Touch with that kind of personal info. Tell a good shrink instead.